beautiful

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

Go look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful.

To one person, you might just be the world. There's always going to be someone out there who cares.

worthless

I feel worthless and like I have nothing but I don't want to complain about it to anyone, because I'm still hoping that in the future I'll feel like I have a purpose.

You think I want to feel this way? You call my problems "emotional bullshit." I don't know how you have the audacity to do that, when you have been suicidal yourself. Don't you remember all the nights I stayed up with you. And now, that I need you, you leave me here. All alone. And you don't give a single fuck.

I love you, you just don't understand it. Or maybe you don't even want to understand. Can you please love me?

somewhere

wondered

Have you ever sat there and wondered "why am I still here? I don't even want to be here. I haven't wanted to be here for so long. What's keeping me here?" and then you relize the answer is nothing. And that scares you even more than the fact that you don't want to be here anymore.

I'm scared of myself.

understand

Sometimes late at night, i think about all the things that have been, all the things that haven’t been, and all the things yet to be. If my heart could explode into a billion tiny pieces and scatter themselves, if i could live on all over the world. I wonder if this world will ever make sense to me, if i will truly understand anything. And if there’s really anything to understand at all.

okay

emptiness

winner

Weekend I was in two dressage competitions and I won the four classes (with Fatima and Chiko).

 

   

jewelry

I want something to live for. I want something that inspires me. Inspires me not only to do things out of my compfort zone, but to make me a better person. I want something that makes me the happiest person I could possibly be. Something that makes me smile un-controllably. I want something that completes me. Something that fills up the missing part of my heart and life and makes me feel whole. I want something that shows me that i do have a purpose for being on this earth right now. I just want something that makes me feel alive. Something to prove to me that at this very moment im here, i exist, because truthfully, its easy to live, but its another thing to feel alive.

eyes

Can you see into my eyes?

Tasting life
Numb again
Close my eyes
It begins…

 

new life

Today is the new beginning! :)

I'll be perfect and skinny and stuff. <3 Then I'll love myself.

moment

The truth is, I don't care if I live or die.

I hate looking at myself and realizing, that I don't like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that.

Every day there's something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just a moment. I't like it's not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling...

If you focus on what you left behind, you'll never be able to see what lies ahead.

destiny

Today I went riding a new horse. He is a young Finnish horse stallion, and comes to me to be trained. He was very nice! 

better

Today we were in dressage competitions with Chiko. He behaved better now than last time. However, in the arena he was little restless. The judge was very tight, but we were still accepted the result! 

hope

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you're tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just what someone to be there and tell you it is okay. But no one's going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. You are tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else, tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be, but you're still hoping. And you're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes. You're fighting.

Well, I'm closer to winning this all. 'Cause I'm still here.

I hate that feeling. The feeling when you’re sad, but you have no idea why. You just are. And in your mind, you’re thinking of all the bad things in your life and apply it to your emotions, making you even more sad. Then people ask you what’s wrong and you have nothing to say. You end up, sitting there, quiet, while it seems as if everyone, but you, is happy.

 

love you

Today I was with Usva in horseshow. Usva was accepted first prize in the stud book. She got full use points and full of the behavior and character. I'm really proud of her. That's my girl.

I and Usva

alone

I shouldn’t be left alone.

When I’m with my friends, I pretend to be happy, so very very happy. Before I step out of my door, I take a few breathes and put a big smile on my face. It can last for hours and hours. The lies, the laughter. Sometimes, for a spilt second, I believe it. I believe that i’m happy. I think the world is a wonderful place, I have hope I’m going to travel everywhere and see everything. I believe that everything is fine, that tomorrow is another opportunity for the sun to shine.

Then that moment is gone.  I’m left here, waiting for the stars to come out.

And still, you cry every night. Your friends don’t know, your parents don’t know. You just carry on your day when you wake up. But the pain is always there. There are days when I feel lost. Yeah,  really lost. But I always find myself. But what happens when I can't find myself?

silence

I'm silent because I don't need words, silence is peaceful. I'll be okay. :)

empty

I feel empty. I don't know what hurt me and what doesn't. All your words corrode me like a disease. I don't know, can I trust anyone anymore. Have I even ever trust anyone? I have such a bad feeling that I might die of it. What makes people turn their anger towards me? Is something wrong with me? Yes. I've failed as a person.

I got hurt. Really hurt. And sometimes when that happens, something inside me shuts off.

happy birthday, usva

My horse has a birthday today. She fills four years. Happy birthday, Usva!

Love you.

survive

Day has been exhausting. I'm so tired of everything. I would just fall down on the bed and snuggle under the blanket. It would be great. I just have to survive. Although it seems painful. However, I'm one step ahead of myself . I think so or actually, I hope so..

I miss your smile, but I miss mine more.

inspire

Thanks to those who hated me,
y o u   m a d e   m e   s t r o n g e r .
Thanks to those who loved me,
y o u   m a d e   m y   h e a r t   g r o w   f o n d e r .
Thanks to those who cared,
y o u   m a d e   m e   f e e l   i m p o r t a n t .
Thanks to those who entered into my life,
y o u   m a d e   m e   w h o   i   a m   t o d a y .
Thanks to those who left,
y o u   s h o w e d   m e   t h a t   n o t h i n g   l a s t s   f o r e v e r .
Thanks to those who stayed,
y o u   s h o w e d   m e   t r u e   f r i e n d s h i p .
Thanks to those who listened,
y o u   m a d e   m e   f e e l   l i k e   i   w a s   w o r t h   i t .

Really, I'll be okay, maybe someday. :)

live

I love all the things you said to me. I want to be with you. I want to be close to you. I want to hear your voice. I want to smell your skin. You're so far away. Just too far away. My hands don't reach you. Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that. Living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. Why don't you see me?
 

 I just want you to know who I am. I have to live.

forever

Where is the sun? It's hidden. It's afraid of us. There is cold outside. Day went wonderfully. I would like to be perfect, but how is it possible? I'm quite happy now. It would be fantastic if my dreams were true. I'd be beautiful and skinny, almost perfect. :)

I love you always in my own way. You know that?

I always remind myself: Things happen WITHIN us, not to us. Feelings and events always come and go and nothing is forever.

harmony

I'm happy for you. Seriously.

I feel weak again. Yesterday I spent a few hours with my friends and I called my stepfather to pick me up at night, because I wanted to go home. I cried for rest of the night, until I fell asleep. I was very tired in the morning and the same bad feeling continued. I cried this morning also, how surprising! Now I'm okay. Almost. I would just disappear, I have no reason to be here. I would like to escape to another world. :)

You make me wanna die
I’ll never be good enough

dressage

I had today the first dressage competitions with Chiko. Competitions went pretty well, but the judges said the pony was too nervous. Chiko is a young, inexperienced stallion, so he was a little restless, and he was not focused on but it's okay for me.

weak

I have a bad feeling mentally. During the day, I was happy, even though there was no reason to be happy. Now, I cry and I feel weak. But I'm sort of glad... 

Instead of worrying about what people say of you, why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.  

i'll disappear

Today was a good day. I was happy, I went to school. I did two tests (geography and German) and I was pleased. I was with my friends, watched people and talked with them. I laughed a lot! I went jogging and I'm very happy. GOOD DAY!

But there is always something that could have done better. But I feel absolutely good.

numb again

I feel weird. I wonder my existence. What happens when we lose our self control? Will we be surrounded by the anxiety and despair? What if your feelings are so powerful, that you don't even understand them. Can you clarify them? I don't. I feel confused, I don't understand the purpose of things. Or really purpose of feelings. My feelings are changing every day more superficial. Emptiness has conquered my mind. Nevertheless, I feel. Something, sometimes.

Don't lose yourself.

thoughts

I love you.

I hate you.

And still, I need you.